La Libertine

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Posted on: November 15, 2010

I’m quite sad to be without you, to be honest. But to stay true to myself, I had to do it. If not, I would never forgive myself.

God knows how in love I was with you, and how badly I wanted you to love me. But without love, where would we be? You’re there and I am here.

I’m hurt that you haven’t tried to speak to me. But at the same time, I’m thankful that now I know that I’m not worth the effort to you, and that you don’t value me as much as you say you do.

When I was with you, I was dying of boredom and angst. Now that I’m not with you, my life has a lot more colour (vibrancy diffusion?). But that still doesn’t change the fact that I am/was emotionally attached to you.

To me, you were an Ideal. You were virile, masculine and intelligent, but sweet, kind and unselfish at the same time. How disappointed I became when this façade dropped and you showed yourself to be incredibly banal and regular. I know that even if we tried again, the illusion is broken forever and that I can’t look at you the same way.

People might say that I’m being petty and immature, but I’m only 21 years old. I cannot for the life of me afford to be strapped into something that I don’t want, not this early in life. I want to experience true love and freedom in all its splendour, I don’t want to be sitting around and hoping that one day things will get better. I stuck by my ex for that reason, and I learnt my lesson.

A few months from now, you will be a distant memory, an anecdote for a night out. But right now, I stand by what I said — I’ll always be thankful for meeting you, and that no matter what happens/happened between us, I’ll never regret the time we spent together. You were impeccable when I was with you personally; it was too bad that it was an image that you couldn’t sustain.

Now, excuse me while I enter the void.

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sans

Posted on: October 4, 2010

Il n’y a pas rien pour moi ici non plus.

none

Posted on: October 3, 2010

i feel myself getting further and further away from you. it’s comforting but heartbreaking at the same time.

I hate it when people are too blatantly obvious when it comes to angling for something. No, I don’t want to have sex with you. No, I’m not going to show you any of my naked photos.

Go back and learn some manners, you stupid bitch. 155cm is wayyy too short to be a model, and a jog in the park will do you good.

Fences

Posted on: September 16, 2010

It’s obvious that you’re dying, dying,
Just living proof that the camera’s lying,
Yeah, open wide
Cos this is your night,
So smile,
Cos you’ll go out in style.

No matter how cynical and hardened I get, there will always be a part of me that wants to be shielded by by harsh realities of life. I will always envy those who didn’t see the things I saw and are blissfully unaware of the things I deal with every day.

This is perhaps why I need art to keep me going and not from getting clinical depression or something.

1. I have someone whom I usually refer to as a friend. The thing is, I intensely do not like being with her because she’s too busy being liked by everyone else. She’s nice enough, but I can’t count on her to be there when I need her. I think it just hurts more because I used to have a fairly high opinion of her.

2. Some people make me want to roll my eyes all the way to the back of my skull.

3. Low fat is a lie. Of course the content of fat may be less but usually the amount of sugar added to compensate for the taste is monstrous.

4. I don’t want to get stubborn in my old age. I always want to be open to try out new things. I can’t believe I’m fighting mental rigidity and I’m only 21 years old.

5. Why do I have so many retards on my facebook?

When you’re always in joke mode, how do you expect me to take anything you say seriously? How do you expect me to be able to tell the difference?

Yes, I get it that compromise is a big part of any relationship. But this kind of compromise (i.e. my mental wellbeing) isn’t in proportion to the kind of relationship we have.

I hope that one day you’ll understand that I’m not the sort of person who works hard at relationships. If things get too complicated or too difficult, I bolt. You can call me flaky or fickle minded but I don’t owe you anything.

I’m also a very sensitive person. You knew that the first day you met me. And to tell the truth, it’s also one of the reasons you like me. But you cannot be unfair; you have to take the good with the horrible. I’m not asking for the moon or Neptune, I just wish that you could be more tactful with the way you speak to me. Taking a minute to think through what you say isn’t a crime.

And this is why I’m alone.



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